Ask, Don’t Assume: Why Your Soulmate Can’t Read Your Mind (and That’s Okay)
As a couples therapist, one belief I often hear in sessions is some version of:
“If they really loved me, they’d just know what I need.”
It’s a romantic idea—this notion that your soulmate should intuit your desires, soothe your hurts, and surprise you with exactly what you were longing for without you ever uttering a word. It’s also, unfortunately, a recipe for resentment, miscommunication, and deep disappointment.
Let’s unpack why asking for what you need is not only healthy, but essential for a thriving relationship.
The Myth of Mind-Reading Love
Media, movies, and fairytales often portray love as a magical connection where two people are so in sync they can finish each other’s sentences and anticipate each other’s needs with effortless precision. And while there can be moments of delightful mind-reading in long-term relationships, they are the exception—not the rule.
Expecting your partner to just know what you’re feeling or needing creates a dangerous dynamic. It turns your emotional well-being into a guessing game. When your partner guesses wrong (because they’re human, not psychic), you may feel hurt, and they may feel like they can never win.
Why We Don’t Ask
People avoid directly asking for their needs for all kinds of reasons:
Fear of rejection or disappointment
Not wanting to seem “needy” or “demanding”
Believing that love should be effortless
Hoping a partner’s intuition will prove how much they care
But here’s the truth: clarity is kind. Vulnerability builds intimacy. Telling your partner what you need isn’t selfish—it’s relational.
Your Needs Are Valid (But Not Always Obvious)
Your need for affection, appreciation, space, help, or deeper connection is legitimate. But if you don’t express it, your partner is left in the dark. Even the most attuned, loving partner can’t always tell when you’re craving reassurance or when you're simply needing quiet time. Expecting them to read your cues perfectly isn’t fair—and often isn’t functional.
Instead, try:
“I feel disconnected lately—can we plan some time just for us?”
“I need some help around the house today, would you be willing to take the lead on dinner?”
“I know it may not come naturally, but hearing words of affirmation means a lot to me.”
These are not demands; they’re invitations for connection.
Being Known Requires Being Seen—and Shared
You might be thinking, But I want to be known deeply by my partner! Absolutely. And the fastest route to being known is being willing to show who you are. That means sharing your inner world: your needs, your feelings, your vulnerabilities. It’s through communication, not mind-reading, that we build true intimacy.
In fact, consistently voicing your needs gives your partner the opportunity to succeed in loving you well. And that’s a win for both of you.
The Real Soulmate Superpower
The real magic in relationships isn’t about finding someone who instinctively knows every part of you. It’s about cultivating a relationship where both partners feel safe to ask, to listen, to try, and to keep learning each other over time.
So next time you catch yourself thinking, “They should just know…”—pause. Ask yourself, Have I shared what I need? Clearly? Kindly?
Love isn’t about perfect guessing. It’s about courageous clarity.
And that, my friends, is a far more powerful kind of connection.
